I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
