you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
