her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Someone came in the potted fern
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
