You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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