I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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