I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize