glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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