gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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