Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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