Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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