Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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