My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
