hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
