You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
