my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
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If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
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and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
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