I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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