I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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