yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
