he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
