I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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