nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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