Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
is it fun? or sober?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
