yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
