ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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