Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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