I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
