so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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