eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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