the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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