The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
