I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
