so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
