There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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