i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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