I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
birth control should be required to get into college
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
