mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
