I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
