Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
