So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
