Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
