When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
