I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
