His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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