I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME