it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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