How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
