okay pat passed out under dana's car
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
