like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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