Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Panties = found
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