Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
