mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
