Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
