New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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