I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
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For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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