I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
